Failing?
I spoke with a couple today about the definition of success in a relationship. What does it mean to be successfully married/coupled? What does it mean to fail? Each day in my office, I sit with couples who are exploring the contents of their relationship with one another and the meaning and purpose that enshrouds their shared experiences, the good ones and the bad. It leaves me so curious. Why do we partner? Why do we commit, when what follows is so layered, beautiful and messy? It takes me to a much quoted line by Susan Sarandon in the film “Shall we dance?”
Her character has been married for multiple decades and suspects that her husband is cheating on her, so she hires a private investigator to tail him and see what is going on. When the PI meets with her to share his findings, he is cynical and questions why anyone would want to get married “all these promises that we make and we break…” and she replies with this well stated response. “We need a witness to our lives… in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day.” Perhaps this is the counter to cynicism, and outright romanticism, but I think the writer of this actually understood something about companionship and coupling.
As humans, we are not well suited for isolation. There is countless data to support that those who partner fair better in both physical health measurements and psychological. We simply do better when we are connected to others, and especially when we are partnered with someone whom we feel known by. John Gottman’s research is well known for the research findings suggesting that relationships are curated through the components of what they came to call the Sound Relationship House. Within the very foundation of this relationship house they found that friendship was at the very core. Love maps, or feeling deeply known by another turned out to be the most basic and primary finding, of which someone can build this friendship, and a lifetime of love.
Attachment research and theory has shown us over and over again that the innate longings within all of us are our common threads; to feel known, to be seen, to be heard and feel valued. We couple in the desire to connect. We partner and commit, with the longing to be known and feel valued. And then we get disappointed in all those little moments of disconnect, and of feeling unseen, unheard, and unvalued. We protest, sometimes softly, sometimes loudly, “please see me and love me enough to turn toward me”. We crave this being known and this sort of meaningful connection so intensely, that we are willing to go to great and sometimes very unhealthy lengths to try and get it. Sometimes with someone who is willing to fight for it too. Sometimes not.
To me, the definition of success, is journeying alongside someone who wants to get to know you and continues to get to know themselves and share those findings with each other. To succeed, is to stay on the dance floor, and to keep practicing the art of lead and follow and give and take. To succeed is to say I’m sorry when you hurt someone, whether on purpose or by accident. To succeed is to seek repair, over and over again, no matter how many times you messed up. To succeed is to ask for what you are longing for and to allow someone to know you for all that you are. To succeed is to let someone get to know you. And to lean into curiosity and deeply get to know another. These are the ingredients of success.
Failure is not divorcing or ending a relationship that isn’t serving you or your partner. Failure is not deciding its times for a fresh start or a new beginning or to let someone else show up for you in an authentic way that you haven’t received before. Failure IS giving up and not fighting for someone you DO want. Failure is not asking for what you need and expecting some of it in return. Failure is not ever finding compromise or opening your heart to another interpretation or insight. Failure is shutting down, disengaging and not letting anyone else in. Failure is choosing to be alone, when your heart longs for real intimacy. Failure is giving up on yourself and being known by another soul who deeply longs to know the real you. We can pause and take time to retreat and heal when we’ve been wounded, but what we can’t do is stay in that retreated lonely place. Not if we want to thrive.
If you are questioning whether you’re succeeding or failing. Consider these things. And ask yourself where and with whom you can lean into curiosity and connection with. And if you look around and you don’t see anyone, then perhaps you’re in the wrong place, and it’s time to get up and move until you do. Does that mean you have to marry? No. Does it mean you have to partner? No. But it means you need to get intentional about connection with another human to know and be known by. It’s the essence of being human. As John Donne wrote, “no man is an island…because I am involved in mankind” and we all deserve a friend.