A case for Intensive Couples Therapy
We receive inquiries each and every week asking about marathon or intensive couples therapy as compared to traditional format of weekly or biweekly sessions, so I wanted to write a post on this topic for those on the fence regarding taking the plunge.
Two years ago I allowed myself to begin marketing my intensive and marathon services exclusively, as I had experienced such incredible growth and progress in my couples, that I no longer wanted to offer other formats. Having been in practice for 16 years I have worked with a lot of couples in traditional format. Since this transition, I have worked with hundreds of couples in this intensive format of couples therapy and continued to see unprecedented depths of connection and meaning making along with progress toward their identified goals. So I wanted to share here, in a global space, my case for intensive couples therapy.
I have always believed in the power of connection and the value of slowing down and deeply listening, along with leaning into curiosity, as I have witnessed it thousands of times in my work. To witness someone truly being seen and heard or understood for the first time is hard to put into words. It’s magical and life altering. It is written on the faces and the body stances of partners, when they suddenly don’t feel alone for the first time in a long time, or ever. There is a softening. A deepening. A sense of peace. This shows up with a person truly “feels felt” to quote Psychiatrist Dan Siegel in his work, Mindsight. This phrase is used to describe a person’s experience when they feel a true sense of empathy from another soul. A moment when they feel like someone finally gets it, on a heart felt level. Something many have never experienced in their relationship, perhaps even in their lifetime.
In the extended session format of intensive therapy, a couple gets to experience something immersive and personalized. For a full 3-6hrs at a time, they have chosen to close out the rest of the world and to tune into one another. I often tell my couples that just by showing up in this space for this amount of time, you have already shown your partner that they matter, and that the relationship matters, and that for this day we are blocking out the noise around us and being present, not rushing to what is next or squeezing it in, in the middle of a work day.
Most of us spend our days and our weeks and even our weekends moving through our lives at speeds that our nervous systems can barely keep up. We are rushed, tired, and disconnected, and we don’t even know where to begin. We are raising children, we are building careers, we are taking care of our bodies and minds the best that we can, yet many of us are lonely and scattered. Couples present in my office every day, feeling disconnected and not understanding why. They still love each other, but they are irritable and impatient and don’t feel loved for one reason or another. They ask for tools to “communicate better” while not fully understanding what this even means. They say they want connection, but they recognize they don’t even know how to do this.
During the intensive therapy sessions we are able to really dive deeply into the emotional experience of each partner, which begins with assessment. Before I even meet a couple in my office the first time, I invite them to Gottman Connect, where they each fill out a series of questionnaires covering aspects of their lives together from every possible angle. Then once we are all together, I get to know the couple through an oral history interview designed by the Gottman’s, that allows me to hear the narrative this couple has about their shared journey, the highs and the lows. I observe the couple as they answer my questions and interact during a conflict discussion and get to see their pattern in action. Over the course of our first day together, I gather all I need to know to help them establish their goals and where they’d like to begin our work together. From there, we set our plan of action in our work together and the cadence of which we will see one another and what the couple will work on in-between sessions.
Couples often begin with their first intensive day to get through the entire intake and goal setting process, and then we schedule a full or half day follow up to begin the work together in a few weeks. At the beginning of our first day together, many couples express their anxieties about the day ahead and worry about it feeling like too much. Most couples by the end of the first day are saying things like “that wasn’t that bad” or “that went much faster than I thought” and “I’m looking forward to when we come back” and “this was really special”. So I invite you to consider this service as a way of exploring your relationship needs and goals. And if you still have questions about what it looks like or feels like or how it might benefit your unique relationship, please reach out and schedule a consult, we’d be happy to meet you.